La Belle Negresse

Etiquette for Everyday Living

Running Out Of Options…


Because of the plethora of sites offering dating services, Long Distance Relationships are on the rise and becoming the norm. It seems no matter how precise a profile you create, a great majority of the people who will contact, wink, message, and flirt with you, will most definitely be at least an hour or two away, or state/country requiring extensive traveling arrangements. I’m starting to believe this to be part of “the business”.  In speaking with friends using online dating services,  most receive messages of interest from everyone but, people within their immediate location. Leading them to think about the possibility of a long distance relationship.

I personally couldn’t do it. I am past the age of LDR. Long Distance Relationships are reserved for teens trying to get a feel of being in a relationship without engaging in premarital sex. Or emotionally unavailable adults who want the title of boyfriend/girlfriend, without the responsibility that comes with building a serious long term relationship.

I’m pretty sure someone will read this and will want to share stories of friends and/or  family who fought the good fight and won….. Rare, very rare.

From what I’ve read online and heard offline from women  who have gone the LDR route, they seldom work. Especially when you have women who don’t know what it is and how it is done to produce success.  Most women are clueless to the rules required to maintain and succeed in a “regular” relationship, trying  the long distance route hoping it will somehow, work itself out… is a waste of time… Time, if you’re a woman of a certain age, you don’t have.

It takes time to really get to know a person. When dates are few and far between, you want to make the most of your time together. When together, everyone is always on their best behavior, trying to stay in character with the persona he/she has portrayed online and on the phone. Attitudes, nuances and habits, usually  detected in weeks, are learned months, sometimes years  into a long distance arrangement. Not to mention the fact that at some point, someone is going to have to move.

Unless you had previous plans/dreams  (prior to meeting) of moving to the state/country your now “boo” is in, moving there just to be with him is risky.  Job security, housing ( hopefully you’re not naive enough to move in with a man without a long term commitment), family, friends of your own. … Are all things to consider BEFORE making a move. If (insert name) wasn’t a factor, would this place be on my list of places to live?

Women tend to believe all they need is love. No matter where they live, as long as they have (insert name) their world is complete and can live anywhere. Recipe for disaster! No matter how much you love him, and he you, having your own space, friends, and hobbies are a must. If you choose to move to his “turf”, he more than likely will have his family, friends and well established hobbies. What are you going to do when he is out and about?

Also, depending on the distance, traveling to and from can be costly. Unless he owns a private jet in which to fly you  to an from, it would be ridiculous to even suggest flying to see a man who may or may not be the one. Driving for more than 45 min to and hour, is a total waste of time. Even then, he needs to do most of the driving.

Most men over 35 are parents (If he’s black, over 17). Which means, moving to be with him, means having to deal with his children. Children you won’t get to see in action, “in real time”, prior to your move.  I take pride in the way I raise my children. I would never entertain a man with children who were not , are not being raised with values that mirror my own . Dating a man with children is not easy. Especially if you have children of your own. You must see him in action with his children before bringing your children around him and his.

I personally wouldn’t advise single, child-free women to entertain a man with children, nonetheless move to be with him. Child-free black women are in high demand, taking yourself off the market to settle for instant mommy life, is a huge, huge mistake. Seek men within your state/country. Sometimes it’s not the location that is dry, or lack quality men, it’s the belief that we as black women are obligated to date men within our race. So we will bet on a maybe, possibly, hopefully… while right under our nose are plenty of guaranteed potentials waiting for us to get a clue.

As far as I am concerned, a man agreeing to a long distance relationship,  is similar to men in the military, who  impregnates their wives before deployment to ensure she remains faithful while he is away. The only difference is the ring and benefits… but anyway you look at it, jokes on you!


7 comments on “Running Out Of Options…

  1. eugeniamb
    September 18, 2013

    The best line I’ve heard regarding long distance relationship is ‘it will only work if you’re working on a way to close the distance’. So if you’re not working on moving to where he is or him moving to where you are or moving to some agreed upon location for the two of you, it’s a waste. Personally when I dated at 37 years old and did it online, I found a ton of single men in my area and many of them childless which I found astounding but nice because I didn’t want to deal with other ppl’s children. I don’t know how often that happens with other women but then again I cast a wide net so my only thing was trying to find someone who upheld my standards. Not always easy but not impossible. Good post.

    • eugeniamb
      September 18, 2013

      Oh and when I say ‘wide net’ that means I didn’t just look for black men, particularly in this town because there are not many. And hey black men aren’t my thing anyway 🙂

  2. labellenegresse1
    September 18, 2013

    Hey Eugenia!
    Sounds like my friends need to move to your town lol. Almost all of the women interested in dating IR living in places like NYC and Ohio, are getting messages from men in CA, AZ TX…. everywhere but their hometown. Some went the long distance route and failed. Like I said, I couldn’t do it, don’t have that kind of patience, time or desire.

    • eugeniamb
      September 23, 2013

      West coast is a good place to date IR but I always warn people, visit first. I didn’t move to Seattle to date, I loved it here and I was in college and mom was moving so I couldn’t stay in Texas. I never regret moving here, personally it was the best thing ever but the weather is no joke. But I must say I never wanted for a date here, never.

  3. nwinsocal
    October 16, 2013

    Thanks for keeping up with my blog….how are you?

  4. nwinsocal
    October 16, 2013

    I am doing good. Being Doctor Nathan, Gambling Nathan, Hubby Nathan, Daddy Nathan, etc lol

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